what to do if you are a teacher but your students dont listen to you

Larry Ferlazzo

Larry Ferlazzo is an English and social studies teacher at Luther Burbank High School in Sacramento, Calif.

(This is the first postal service in a two-office series)

The new question-of-the-week is:

When two or more students are having a conflict, what are the nigh effective ways teachers can respond to the situation?

It's not unusual for students to take conflicts with their classmates. What are the best ways teachers can create the conditional to end them before they occur and answer once they have begun?

This series will explore possible actions educators can take.

Today, Vickie Gomez, Danny Woo, Kevin Parr, Jessica Torres, Rosalind Wiseman, and Dr. Bryan Harris contribute their ideas. You lot tin listen to a 10-minute conversation I had with Danny, Kevin, and Jessica on my BAM! Radio Bear witness. You lot can too find a list of, and links to, previous shows here.

Our schoolhouse is very lucky because we have a very relational culture focused on restorative practices, and campus monitors who are experienced in conflict resolution.

For years, any time any of my students have had conflicts, I've texted Vickie Gomez, a campus monitor who is assigned to our "Small Learning Community." Except for the very few times those conflicts had escalated into physical fights before I had called her in, she has mediated every dispute and it'due south been resolved by the next class. I know that many other teachers in our school have had had like experiences.

Last week, I asked Vickie to describe what she does:

I offset talk with each student individually to observe out what happened in class and to too discover out what else has happened in that student's solar day. Often the problem has zip to exercise with the other educatee—something else took place earlier and it but boiled over. I try to get each student to put themselves into the other student'southward position and how they might see things. I inquire each student what ideas they have for resolving the problem.

I take in this information, especially their ideas on how to resolve the trouble, and take the ii of them on a "walk and talk" together. I explicate that I accept to kick things up to administration—and to their parents—if they tin can't resolve things. The vast majority of time, students work it out.

Students—and school staff—accept an enormous amount of respect and affection for Vickie!

Response From Danny Woo

Danny Woo is a center school scientific discipline teacher at San Jose Charter Academy in West Covina, Calif. He centers his class on the implications scientific discipline has on social, economic, and environmental justice:

The way adults handle pupil conflicts can get a long way in setting the tone of your classroom learning surround. If educators wish to establish a culture that values a sense of community, conflicts betwixt students volition be approached with reconciliation as the goal. This is the hallmark of the restorative justice model and nonviolent communication (NVC) where customs building is achieved past focusing on strengthening and repairing relationships. This arroyo is most effective when it is a shared value amid school leadership and is embedded in school broad practice. That said, if your schoolhouse leans toward a traditional approach to discipline, you can notwithstanding exercise restorative practices inside your own classroom.

Before responding to student conflicts, we need to keep in heed Maslow's Bureaucracy of needs. Every student is looking for a sense of security, belonging, acknowledgment, and independence. And in the case of pre-teens and adolescents, these needs are heightened. In most cases, conflict arises when one of these needs are threatened.

My first steps in helping students resolve their conflict is to speak to both parties separately. This is a fact finding session to become a clearer flick of what each student involved is thinking. I ask the students for their point of view, establishing that I am reserving judgment. I make a betoken of existence transparent and let each political party know that I will be having this same conversation with the other student(s) but volition non render an stance. I get in clear that my goal is to eventually assistance them reconnect.

When I've had a chance to speak with all involved, we set a time to meet together with me every bit the mediator. Prior to the meeting, I enquire the students to think nigh what feelings are live within of them. Sometimes you will accept to provide them with the language to describe their feelings. Next I inquire them to recollect about what they need from the other political party. This is the framework we utilize in our group session:

1. What is your perspective of the situation? Depict and share your point of view.

2. What are your feelings? What is alive inside of you? Proper name them.

3. What do you need from the person(due south) who you take conflict with?

In the group session I have each party share their perspective on the situation. No one is allowed to interrupt or interject while the other person is sharing. Each party will have a turn to share their perspective and what feelings they harbor. I encourage them to be as explicit as possible in identifying and describing how they feel.

The last phase of this procedure is for each party to express their requests in the spirit of healing and reconciliation. In my 17 years of instruction, I have yet to meet children who are not amenable to finding solutions to an consequence, especially if there is a history of friendship betwixt the 2 parties. In the majority of cases I have dealt with, I establish that conflicts ascend due to a deficit in linguistic communication to identify and express their feelings and needs. Children need to exist given a framework that honors their thoughts and authentic self, also equally provides the opportunity to hear one some other.

Response From Kevin Parr

Kevin Parr is a 4th grade teacher from Wenatchee, Wash., and an ASCD Emerging Leader:

Student Conflicts: Teachable Moments

Conflicts between students are a natural part of life inside a classroom or school and should exist treated as such. In fact, helping students answer to and resolve conflicts with peers is an important part of their learning. Here are a few ways teachers can treat student-student conflicts every bit teachable moments:

Listen : At times, teachers attempt to rapidly extinguish conflicts by resolving the problem for students rather than help students resolve conflicts themselves. In doing so, teachers deny students the opportunity to develop the skills and mindsets they will need to resolve interpersonal conflicts throughout their personal and professional lives. It may seem overly simplistic but a instructor'south chief role in helping kids resolve conflicts is to listen. Listening not only empowers students to take ownership of the conflict, it also models the important skill for them.

Avoid jumping to conclusions : When listening to student's perspectives on a conflict it is easy for teachers to place blame on a particular student has been involved in similar conflicts before. Whereas reputations can be for a reason a few things are wrong with this approach. Offset, if the goal is for students to larn to resolve their own conflicts, placing arraign robs students of their buying of the conflict. Second, it demonstrates to kids that their past mistakes will follow them forever even if their decisions and actions modify. If our focus is on learning, every child deserves some other hazard.

Everyone has a role : Ordinarily, in that location is more than one person at mistake in student conflicts. Multiple kids generally accept a role in creating the situation and/or making it worse. Rather than seeking to find a atypical "guilty party" teachers should assistance all students meet their part in the conflict and discover ways to deed or react differently in the future.

You are not alone : It is important that teachers let students know that conflicts are normal and all people, including adults, accept conflicts with others. Kids should also know that their electric current disharmonize will not be their last conflict and then the skills they are learning and practicing volition help them throughout their life. Furthermore, teachers can use personal stories to reinforce the notion that the skills students are edifice are life-long skills.

Agreement that student conflicts are natural can aid teachers use them equally teachable moments. Teachers should expect and cover these conflicts as part of a child's learning.

Response From Jessica Torres

Jessica Torres is a first year elementary assistant chief at Brook Artery Simple school in Waco, Texas. She formerly served equally an instructional coach and a public Montessori elementary teacher. Torres is a current doctoral student in Tarleton State'south Educational Leadership Program. She obtained her Masters in Educational Administration through Concordia Academy, and her Bachelor caste from Stephen F. Austin. Known widely as @owl_b_torresedu past her Twitter PLN, Mrs. Torres is a staunch supporter of public pedagogy, personalized professional development and connecting with others who are passionate about education and students:

Disharmonize—Is it a Bad Give-and-take?

Responding to disputes between students is a skill often overlooked during many teacher preparation programs. Many new teachers walk into the classroom with the belief that a well-managed classroom volition alleviate any scuffles or disagreements amid students—this could not be further from the truth. Even the best teacher will have students who experience conflict with one another. Conflict is not always negative. Conflict can bring about alter, unlike perspectives and let diverse types of growth. The methods nosotros use to prepare our students to deal with disharmonize effectively ultimately tin can determine whether or not students are prepared to step into the world as productive, peaceful citizens. Experiencing conflict in the classroom should not be viewed as a disruption to be removed or halted, but instead as an opportunity to teach students missing skills.

Responding to the Conflict

When responding to disharmonize, it is of import to ensure rubber first. If students take a physical conflict, ensure that they are separated and provided their areas in which to at-home down. In a nonbiased tone, ask each student to describe what happened during the incident either verbally or in writing, whichever the pupil is virtually comfortable using to communicate. At that place are many behavior "remember sheets" bachelor online for students to consummate during times of conflict. Once each student has shared their version of the incident discuss with them the effects their behavior had on the students effectually them, the teacher, and their learning.

Students often fail to realize that the conflict is not a independent effect. Their actions impact more than merely those involved directly. During this fourth dimension coaching should come into play. Reminding students of the strategies that they can utilize when they experience themselves become aroused, for case, animate techniques, visiting a calm-downward corner, or even reading a book with a graphic symbol going through a similar situation. Supporting students as they feel emotions is disquisitional to showing them appropriate means to manage their feelings. Students must understand that everyone is allowed to feel angry or upset, the difference is in whether we react physically or inappropriately with words as opposed to rationally and calmly.

Restorative practices encourage the students to discuss with each other how they felt before, during and after the conflict. After acknowledging each other'south feelings, ask both students what tin be done to set up the situation. Students oft surprise me during this stage with their compassion and willingness to forgive each other. If students tin come to a reasonable solution allow them to shake hands and go along with their mean solar day without receiving a castigating result. Through this process, students volition begin moving away from expecting results, but instead working towards peace and restoring relationships.

Response From Rosalind Wiseman

Rosalind Wiseman is a teacher and bestselling writer of Queen Bees & Wannabees , the volume that inspired the hit movie Mean Girls, Masterminds & Wingmen , equally well equally Owning Up: Empowering Adolescents to Face Social Cruelty, Bullying, and Injustice , a new curriculum for centre and high school students. She is the founder of Cultures of Dignity and lives in Colorado with her husband and two children. Follow her on Twitter at @cultureodignity:

This situation is harder than it looks. Were these students friends in the past and now they aren't? Have they never gotten along? Is one child targeted for a specific reason like their ethnicity, race, inability, gender, socioeconomic class, or some other perceived inherent trait? If this dynamic exists then this situation should be defined as bullying instead of a conflict.

So first, take a step back and simply watch your students to see if y'all notice a pattern in the students' interaction. Are in that location consistent times of the mean solar day when the conflict seems to flare? Are other kids exacerbating the tension?

Once you've done the research, it'south time to accomplish out to each student—and that also requires consideration. In well-nigh cases, it's more effective to run across with the students individually instead of coming together with the grouping where the dynamics inside the human relationship it tin sabotage any hope for a positive consequence. So say something like, "Tin can nosotros fix a time to talk? Yous're not in problem. I simply want to cheque in with you about something that may be important." Then see with each educatee during a time of day and in a location that feels individual and comfortable to the educatee.

First the meeting by communicating the post-obit: "Thank you for meeting with me, I want to talk nearly something that is of import that has come to my attention." Then explain the state of affairs as it has been shared with you and/or what you observed. Ask the student how accurate they think your information is and mind to their anwer. If the child is willing to tell you lot what's going on, give them the space to unload. If they are reluctant or deny information technology, respond with "I can probably understand why y'all may non desire to tell me but I don't want to brand assumptions. And then can you tell me why you don't desire to tell me? I remember that'south probably really important for me to know. "

For all students it'due south critical to communicate the post-obit (in your ain words): "It'due south common for people to go into conflicts but it'southward not ok if that disharmonize is making you lot or anyone else feel unsafe or that don't want to come to class (or the school). Equally your teacher, information technology's my responsibility to do whatever I need to do whatsoever back up you and every student in my class. So I'one thousand going to ask you a few questions and together we will figure out next steps."

And so inquire the student to reply the following questions

- Why do they call up the disharmonize is happening?

- Why is the conflict making them feel bad/angry/broken-hearted?

- If this conflict involves a group of people, enquire the pupil how they recall the group is influencing the conflict.

- What practice they desire to modify? Even if that change seems pocket-size or obvious, what would it exist?

- What do they desire out of the relationship with the person they are now in a conflict with? Do they want to be completely separated from this person? If they were friends before, exercise they still desire a friendship?

- What is 1 activeness, no matter how small, that they can accept to make the state of affairs amend—where they experience proficient about how they've handled it.

While the child is talking the you can write downwardly what they're maxim. After their done, read it back to them and inquire them if you got it right or if they need to brand any changes. The purpose is to help the pupil put their feelings to words and identify what they need. Remember in these situations, some students are trying to effigy out how much you know then they tin close you downwardly, others are relieved that an adult has brought it upward. If the kid is not feeling safe, and then the teacher and student demand to make up one's mind who in the schoolhouse they can become to to tell and take additional steps. All to say when yous're having this talk, it'south really of import to pay attention to the student body language, their tone, and the nature of their responses.

At the end of the conversation it'south time to reinforce your expectations; which should include some combination of "Every student in my class has the right to feel worthy and included. Equally your instructor, that looks like X to me. This state of affairs is difficult and I really appreciate that you trusted me to tell me fifty-fifty a little of what's going on. You tin always come up back and tell me more things you're thinking or feeling. But for right now, you've washed a lot. Y'all've said what you don't like and what you desire. Y'all've identified one thing you tin do that will make you proud. So let's check in tomorrow and come across how yous're feeling."

Response From Dr. Bryan Harris

Dr. Bryan Harris serves as the Managing director of Professional Development for the Casa Grande Unproblematic School District in Arizona. He is the author of five books on topics ranging from classroom management to student appointment. For more information his trainings and workshops, he can be reached at world wide web.bryan-harris.com:

I am convinced of this i very important truth: the globe would be a much better place if we all accustomed the fact that conflict is a natural and unavoidable part of life. The world would besides be a better place if people took more naps and someone invented zero-calorie cheesecake (just that's a topic for another time).

When helping students piece of work through conflict, nosotros first need to understand the nature of it; equally educators, we must have a solid grasp of what conflict is, how information technology is likely to manifest itself in the classroom, and constructive ways to build conflict resolutions skills in our students. In order to do that, we need to briefly dig into some definitions and truths nearly conflict.

If yous accept no conflict in your life, one of two things is true: you're dead or you're not paying attention to the people effectually you. Since y'all are reading this, let's showtime with the latter. Whenever you interact with the people effectually you lot—whether they be family members, co-workers, friends, or a stranger at the store at that place is the possibility (or the likelihood) that conflict will ascend. If you look up dictionary definitions you'll detect phrases similar struggle for power, potent disagreement, and an opposition of forces. None of those are pleasant and then it's no wonder people strive to avoid conflict. However, conflict is simply a by-product of being effectually other people. That is one of the beginning things I want students to understand—conflict simply is. It exists because I interact with other people. Its existence does not brand me a bad person nor does it necessarily mean that I am doing something wrong (although my responses can often make the state of affairs much, much worse). As well often we assign blame, place guilt upon ourselves, or ignore conflict when it arises. None of those are good for you responses.

So, what exactly is disharmonize and where does it come up from? When working with students, we want to provide straightforward, honest, and simple answers fifty-fifty though the concepts are deep and complicated. In terms of external disharmonize with other people, I want students to understand that conflict typically comes from one of 3 situations: blocked goals or expectations, opposing beliefs or points of view, or miscommunication. In the simplest terms, someone has something I desire = conflict. Someone is in my style = conflict. Someone thinks or says something I don't like = conflict. Someone communicates in a way I don't understand or appreciate = bingo, conflict!

Before nosotros endeavor to help mediate disharmonize among students, we kickoff demand to empathise what we are dealing with. That, and we need to take a good handle on our own understanding of conflict. In summary, here are some big truths about disharmonize:

• It is—Every bit I mentioned earlier, conflict is just a natural function of the homo existence. Its presence in my life merely means that I am interacting with other flawed, imperfect people.

• It is unavoidable, expect information technology—I should non be surprised, flabbergasted, or stunned when I find myself in conflict with someone. Nor should I be overly frustrated. As educators, we should not exist surprised or upset when our students are in conflict with each other. The fact is that many of our students are not learning effective conflict resolution skills at home and there aren't a ton of fantabulous examples of conflict resolution models in the media, sports, entertainment, or politics.

• It can be a good affair—The right kind of disharmonize can serve equally a catalyst for personal growth. Don't get me wrong, I don't dear conflict but when it is handled correctly, I larn a lot about myself and the people around me.

• Our goal is to empower others—As educators, we should always be seeking ways to build skills in our students. We certainly adopt that belief when information technology comes to core bookish skills and "soft" skills such as perseverance, attention to detail, and patience. We demand to prefer this conventionalities nearly building conflict resolution skills too. Quite simply, the ability to understand and acquire from conflict is a life skill. If students don't learn it and create effective habits, life is going to be tough... regardless of their scores on accomplishment tests.

To reply the question directly, "How practice we respond when students are having conflict with each other?" consider the following principles:

1. Don't take it personally—Someone one time shared the following acronym with me: QTIP (Quite Taking Information technology Personally). Other peoples' behavior typically says more about them so it does about me. When students human action in inappropriate ways, it is not ordinarily about the teacher (unless, of course, it is about the teacher considering there is a level of boldness, disorganization, or outright vicious behavior. The good news is that most teachers are positive role models who love their students.) Equally educators, we need to call up that students need patient, loving guidance from an developed who doesn't take crime at every transgression.

2. Don't catastrophize, exaggerate, or trivialize—When helping others work through their struggles, nosotros demand to remain tactful and neutral. Although we may call back that their conflict is dizzy, we tin get in worse if we go to extremes to evidence our disdain.

3. Avert pronouns—When nosotros apply terms like I, they, us, nosotros, and them nosotros automatically pit people and groups against each other. It is best to stick to the facts when describing a situation that needs to be addressed. Although students may use lots of pronouns equally they describe their conflict, we tin can help lower the stress levels if we remain neutral in our language.

4. Avoid sarcasm—Sarcasm volition always make the situation worse.

5. Respond rather than react—Remember that conflict is a natural result of people spending time together. Classrooms are unique places... lots of people crammed together in a bars space for long periods of time. That'southward practically a recipe for conflict. So, it's not a thing of if there will exist bug, it'south a matter of when and how oftentimes. As teachers and leaders, our job is to reply with a thoughtful program.

6. Embody respect—In some cases (perhaps in many cases) we are the all-time part models our students take. As a issue, nosotros must ever embody respect, show empathy, and express appreciation for all our students. Quite simply, our students will non develop appropriate conflict resolution skills unless we model it for them. Think about the message we are sending to kids if go easily offended, outright mad, start yelling, or demean those around us. When helping others, nosotros need to exist aware of our own emotions, body language, and frustrations.

7. Teach—Use role-plays, scenarios, current events, and other real-life situations to teach students the advisable means to handle conflict. Our students need and deserve to learn these skills. However, nosotros cannot look until "the heat of the moment" to endeavor to talk kids through the process. Again, it's not a matter of if there will exist conflict in your classroom, it's a matter of when. And then get alee of the bend and incorporate teaching opportunities throughout the schoolhouse year.

The principles described in a higher place are reminders for us, the adults, every bit we direct and guide students. However, each of the principles can and should be taught to students. Of course, the age and maturity level of your students will dictate how yous teach the principles merely they should be made a priority.

Thanks to Vickie, Danny, Kevin, Jessica, Rosalind, and Bryan for their contributions!

Please experience free to leave a comment with your reactions to the topic or direct to anything that has been said in this mail service.

Consider contributing a question to exist answered in a futurity post. Y'all can send 1 to me at lferlazzo@epe.org. When y'all send it in, permit me know if I can utilise your existent name if it'due south selected or if yous'd adopt remaining anonymous and have a pseudonym in mind.

Yous tin as well contact me on Twitter at @Larryferlazzo.

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